I realized I'm a pretty idealistic kinda person, wanting everything to be perfect.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not a perfectionist when it comes to not so relevant stuff like getting all the words aligned to a certain line in an assignment kinda perfectionist. But rather, the want for things to remain the way they are, or change for the better.


If something changes for the worse, I would get pretty upset.


As I discussed the topic of death in a rather incoherent manner at 5am a few days ago, I kept thinking of the situation of losing someone dear to me, and I got pretty upset at the fact that no one would stay alive forever, and it's only a matter of time that someone dear would leave.


So I try to grasp onto everyone dear, trying to spend as much quality time as possible with them, before the helplessness sets in, realizing that there's only one of me, and I cant split myself into a few Kimberlys so as to better make use of the time.


Senseless worrying I know.


As Yishi said, "Don't worry about things that you cant control." (a quote from her prof), which is really true, but sometimes, you just cant help but worry you know?


And so with this post, I apologize to everyone dear that I had been mean to, that I had said some nasty stuff to and hurt their feelings. I don't mean it (unless I detest you, like a particular someone that just render me speechless with the absurd stuff that she does).


Hurtful stuff are usually said in the heat of the moment that makes me regret my words like crazy. And it's usually the dearest and the closest that gets the most of it. And it really kills me that I cant bring myself to apologize when the things have already blown over yet the guilt still ravages me like crazy.


I blame the pride in me that is stopping me from apologizing.


Sigh.